Do You See What I see?

 The signs are a little late this year,

but something about seeing tiny bright green leaves 

pop out of a dreary and dead looking mess of dead branches

is such a wonderful reminder of  the miracle of life.

 After many days of rain, 

the sun came out and it didn't take me long to pack up the stroller

to share the joy with my charge.

 I always think skunk cabbage, the first to show it's colors along the path,

got a bit of a bad rap on its name.

 And though mallards abound in this park all year long, 

even their steps seemed to have a happier bounce.

 Evy sat content on this swing for quite a while,
as long as I kept her moving ...

and found out how fun it was to give her crusts away -

even giving up the last of her baby cookies, 

for the sheer delight of watching mama goose snatch those crumbs.

She has started saying, "no games" when she eats ...

referring to things that mommy does to get her to eat.

Well, these birds certainly were a lesson in how to eat quickly.

Sights, swings, snacks,

a return walk up the street to Mimi's

and a soother for sleep was sweet and welcome. 

The Nitty Gritty of this Disease

So, one more ... just an honest update if you will ... and then I'll leave this be.

I was thinking about how she hardly ever calls any more ... and then she called three days in a row about the same thing. The third time she said, "I have a stupid question." I was ready ... as she proceeded with
     "We're having soup and Rollkuchen and Abe won't let me feed the kids."
     "Well, Mom, you can't. They are not there."
     "That's what Abe says and he's mad at me."
      "He's not mad. He just does not know what to say because it won't work. Have you tried?
      "I have, they won't take it."
      "Well, they can't because they are just pictures.
      "No one's ever told me this before!!"
      "Well, how can I explain it to you? They are not there in person, You can't tickle them or hug          them. Don't worry, they are eating at home.
      "How do they eat at home, then?"
      (getting exasperated) "They live at home and that's where they eat."
      " But they are here ... "

I was hoping this would stop when I removed the pictures, but soon after that she called and referred to Julene and her family being at her place. I realized there had been a picture on the counter that I did not put away, so I told her to turn the picture down. She could not grasp why. "Then you won't see them." I said. "But they are here!" she insisted. I reminded her that they are in Indonesia and that we have not seen them since last summer. She was incredulous. While I could not believe I was having this conversation, she could not imagine that I have not seen them for that long.  She finally just said, "Well, they have been here." I asked her where they are and if they were sitting on the ledge. She said, "They come in the door and sit down and smile at me." I asked her if Julene had given her a hug. "No ... she has not." "Well, if she were really there, Mom. That's what she would do. And she would talk to you. She would not just smile."

As it stands now, quite a number of photos are back on the fridge. I asked her who had put the pictures back. She said she did not know; with a quick assurance that it was not her. It turns out, no one has put them back. So we know she has. Just the same way she has put what we trash back in the fridge or returned the dirty towels to re-use after I've thrown them in the hamper. I don't want to make her look bad. It's not who she really is and why it baffles my mind.

We rarely part with her really accepting what I tell her. She only concedes that she has never heard of "such things". She putters around constantly and moves things and forgets to put them back. Moms of two-year olds would understand. But I'm not her mom. I've never seen her like this and it's hard to not get frustrated, especially when I see her being stubborn. She has never been stubborn. She has never insisted on her own way. How can I make her feel like I'm okay with it? Sometimes she might just think I'm mad at her too. I tell her I'm not. I'm just sad she has to go through this.

Monday Mom Day

It was sometime in 2015, seeing signs of changes in Mom's abilities, Monika and I decided to set Monday mornings aside to pop in on her. Mom was delighted, of course! She had the table set in pretty dishes with home made sweets and fruit salad in dainty tea cups, waiting when we walked in the door. I had no idea how fleeting these days would be; bitter sweet tears welling in my eyes now as Mondays have evolved to times where we just tackle the most obvious thing that needs doing. Coffee and sweets forgotten. Sometimes we both go, sometimes just one of us goes, but Mom does not recognize time any more, so when we both can't make it she does not even know. 

Let me share with you the gist of what I wrote last week ...

When I got there, she was mixing batter for pancakes to feed "the kids" (pictures on the fridge). I looked at Abe and he just looked at me, tired of this scenario.  Because this was becoming a problem, I decided it was time to remove the fifty or so family photos, mostly children, that were smiling at her every day. In a way it made me sad to think I was removing the memory of them, but I'm not sure anymore if that is how it goes. Before I got there she and I had planned that we would bake buns so, if I was expecting anything it would have had to do with starting to get those ingredients out, but this is my new mom. I went ahead and found everything I needed. When I started putting pans of buns into the oven, Abe left to get groceries, so I stayed until he was back. 

Being in mom's kitchen gives me a chance to tidy up the most oddly cluttered counter and fridge. It's hard for her to remember how and where and for how long to store food. While I cook I can clean up and dispose without her really knowing. At least, so I thought, when suddenly on this Monday she wrapped her arms around me and thanked me. She said she loved cooking with me. I told her I'd help her as long as I could. It was a rare jewel of a moment where I felt I had her back. 

These days, when she has called, it has usually been out of frustration at her new reality. Of course, she does not know it's new. She thinks that anything strange she does, is something that she has always done and that we are the ones who are coming up with new concepts ... such as that pictures are not real people. In her mind they are "present" in her kitchen and she feels guilty for not being allowed to serve them. She feels sad that they have to sit there and watch her eat. And as we try to talk her through it, she feels shame when she gets the feeling that we think she's gone mad.

As I was writing about my day I realized how much Mom still feels. In the midst of her confusion, she apologizes for disappointing us.  She thanks us. She feels joy, pain, anger, shame and pride ... and it dawned on me that with all she is losing, feelings are not on the forgotten list. 

Thinking about this consoles and yet breaks my heart for her as I suddenly know how I don't want to make her feel. If I can use the time we have left to make her feel proud, joyful, needed and accepted for just who she is, even if she is not like who she was, maybe we'll be able to work things out on this path of learning, where every week can be different. 

This week she pulled out an old photo album and pointed out precious memories to me, page after page. 

Paper was paper. Memories were memories. She said I had made her day. She made mine.

T is for Tease and Teddy

We have a laundry chute that goes from my bedroom closet to the cupboard over the washer below and all of the kids love it when there are towels and such that they can throw down. But, there is one in particular who likes to leave her own insignia at random times for me to find after she is gone. I don't  think she has even put together that the big stuffy she chooses to throw down in secret is already a dead give-away as to who did it. Although the cubpoard is empty here, usually the Teddy lands on a pile of laundry - ready to escape when I open the cupboard doors, long after the kids have gone.
I can just imagine that this will be something she will still do when she is 16 - just to remind me that she was here!

More Happy Birthdays!

It is the beginning of March and because there will be a lot of hit and missing this month with families taking Spring Break in consecutive order, we decided to celebrate this month's birthdays early.  Once I had a theme it was fun to go with it. The pictures that I never took will remain in my mind's eye . . .  kids sipping their soda pop, taking out the straw and trying the taste straight out of the bottle . . . then putting the straw back in. They could hardly eat dinner, but the memory of making this novelty happen was worth it!

Landon will be starting baseball this Spring and so he was excited to get a few accessories for that.

I had a precious baby in my arms, and that's the excuse I'll use for blurry pictures, but I love Koen's expression here.

We are looking forward to cheering you on, Landon!

Loved the stunned expressions that came from Ben and Shaun when they opened their bags for each other. I guess there was no question of liking their gift if they bought each other the same thing.

We removed the sparkler from it's packaging and soon realized it was not a regular sparkler. I put the cake in as safe a place as I could think, someone lit it and we had our own fire works! Maybe it's intended for outside use, but I it was a hit!
Wishing a happy birthday to our young dads who play a significant role in their families. They are loved and appreciated! Also to Landon, whose tenderness and energy are everything you want in a growing boy.
Across the ocean, a precious girl (born on February 29) is also celebrating her ninth birthday! We miss you, Makenna and wish you a very happy year ahead!