So, one more ... just an honest update if you will ... and then I'll leave this be.
I was thinking about how she hardly ever calls any more ... and then she called three days in a row about the same thing. The third time she said, "I have a stupid question." I was ready ... as she proceeded with
"We're having soup and Rollkuchen and Abe won't let me feed the kids."
"Well, Mom, you can't. They are not there."
"That's what Abe says and he's mad at me."
"He's not mad. He just does not know what to say because it won't work. Have you tried?
"I have, they won't take it."
"Well, they can't because they are just pictures.
"No one's ever told me this before!!"
"Well, how can I explain it to you? They are not there in person, You can't tickle them or hug them. Don't worry, they are eating at home.
"How do they eat at home, then?"
(getting exasperated) "They live at home and that's where they eat."
" But they are here ... "
I was hoping this would stop when I removed the pictures, but soon after that she called and referred to Julene and her family being at her place. I realized there had been a picture on the counter that I did not put away, so I told her to turn the picture down. She could not grasp why. "Then you won't see them." I said. "But they are here!" she insisted. I reminded her that they are in Indonesia and that we have not seen them since last summer. She was incredulous. While I could not believe I was having this conversation, she could not imagine that I have not seen them for that long. She finally just said, "Well, they have been here." I asked her where they are and if they were sitting on the ledge. She said, "They come in the door and sit down and smile at me." I asked her if Julene had given her a hug. "No ... she has not." "Well, if she were really there, Mom. That's what she would do. And she would talk to you. She would not just smile."
As it stands now, quite a number of photos are back on the fridge. I asked her who had put the pictures back. She said she did not know; with a quick assurance that it was not her. It turns out, no one has put them back. So we know she has. Just the same way she has put what we trash back in the fridge or returned the dirty towels to re-use after I've thrown them in the hamper. I don't want to make her look bad. It's not who she really is and why it baffles my mind.
We rarely part with her really accepting what I tell her. She only concedes that she has never heard of "such things". She putters around constantly and moves things and forgets to put them back. Moms of two-year olds would understand. But I'm not her mom. I've never seen her like this and it's hard to not get frustrated, especially when I see her being stubborn. She has never been stubborn. She has never insisted on her own way. How can I make her feel like I'm okay with it? Sometimes she might just think I'm mad at her too. I tell her I'm not. I'm just sad she has to go through this.
15 comments:
Anneliese, I am so sorry and also sad that you and your Mom and family have to go through this. May God give you strength and courage to keep up with the "why" questions as you struggle to make sense of this new reality. Praying for you . . .
Helen
Anneliese, this is so hard for you. I read bits of this to my husband, and his comment was, "she's doing what she's valued all her life - feeding her loved ones." Your mom's values are strong in spite of her wayward thinking.
Praying for you this morning.
You are in a hard situation. My mom is not where yours is (yet) but she definitely argues with me over reality. I try to tell myself that it's not important that she understand what's real, but it's hard. I'm also very aware that I can't tell her little day to day things because I don't know which one will get stuck in her brain and cause her anxiety. For instance, when my cat got sick. No big deal to me, but for months afterward she would randomly worry about the cat. I wish I had words of wisdom for you, but I don't. All I can say is God is with you. He knew you would be here and He has equipped you for this. My heart goes out to Abe, he's living with this 24/7 and I can only imagine how difficult it must be. Praying...
You said in your first sentence "and then I will leave this alone". Please reconsider. When you write it is our catharsis as well as your own.
It helps to read this and know we aren't alone as we see the similarities to our own lives. It gives us a new perspective and perhaps something t strive for as we see you tackle this new season of your life, and that of your Mother, with grace, with love and with faith.
What a difficult situation. I agree with Janis. Please reconsider about "leaving this alone". We all need a place to share our thoughts.... you never know the difference you could make in someone else's life.
Press on dear sister. And know they're people praying.
I am just a little ahead of you Anneliese. My mother is in care and hardly speaks, though she still says my name. I hope that you have access to Geriatric Psychiatric services as they are a good source of support. You mum will always and ever be your mum but she needs your care now, as you and your sister see.....and provide. I have a hard time talking or writing about what is happening to Mum, but it helps when I do. It is a support for me and therefore for my mother and father. Please feel free to contact me any time. Sometimes it is helpful to talk with someone who is far away because you can hang up and go back to your everyday. Does that make sense? It's what I tell my clients ..... sometimes it's good to talk with someone who doesn't love you because you can say the things you otherwise hold back for fear of worrying them.
Helen, a good friend who is going through a tragic loss has said that it made a difference to her when she started, instead of asking Why? ... to ask How? ... I think this is something we can all apply to our situation. How will I respond and how will I use this to become stronger in my walk with the Lord and in relating to others ... etc. One thing I never thought about when I began to write is that strangers would pray for me. What a blessing!
Lorrie, I see your husband has the correct insight into how my mom is just trying to do what she has always enjoyed, It is in her nature. I appreciate that.
Vicky, I am with you ... it is a change to have to watch what we share. Thank you for your encouragement.
Janis and Anita, I felt like I was repeating the food talk and so I was referring more to that fact that I'll leave this topic alone. I'm sure I'll keep writing as I go along, as it is theraputic in a strange way. I also prefer reading other people's journaling on this, as opposed to online informationa and mulitple brochures that get handed to us. =)
Pondside, you are one of the writers that has been an inspiration to me when you have written. My heart goes out to you where you are at, seeing how you've always been a step ahead. I'm so glad to hear she still says your name and saying that makes me cry for some reason. Thank you for your kind offer.
Thinking of you, Anneliese. My good friend is going through this with her mother as well. I think one of the hardest things for my friend to deal with is the stubbornness and anger that used to not be part of her mother's personality. But they are now part of the new reality for her mom. The personality changes must be so difficult to accept. Praying that you will continue to see glimpses of your mom as you knew her.
I am so sorry to hear that you are going though this very difficult time. We had a similar situation with my Mom who was also one who always placed great importance in feeding her family well and otherwise caring for them. Even in hospital she wanted to get up and make a "cup of tea" for her visitors . She also continually asked if I had taken the "little girl" (no idea who she meant) to my house.
Recently I read that the best way to deal with it is to begin a "superficial" relationship with parents with dementia but I don't agree. Difficult as it is, later you will be happy you stood by her in those less than enjoyable moments. My prayers are with you and also with Abe.
I'm thankful that God is your strength and that He is walking with you moment by moment. I pray often for you. Pray often for you mom and ask the Lord to continue to remind her of His great love for her and grant her mind His peace in the confusion.
I'm so sad for the dear lady that I sang in the choir with. I think it is so good that you are sharing the stories here. To be able to write it all down in love and honesty is healthy.
Annaliese - I am so thankful that you have shared these words with your readers. They are difficult for you but so helpful to others who are sharing your experiences. My mother went through those difficult moments of reality on good days and no reality on other days. One day, while she was in long-term care, I was fixing her hair in preparation for breakfast. She was looking at our images in the large mirror in her room. I said, "Mom, I hope I can one day be as gracious as you are in a situation like this. I am taking copious notes." In a moment of extreme but unexpected clarity, she said, "Take all the notes you want but you won't remember where you put them!" It was a moment to laugh together, to share a now rare good moment. Mom is now no longer with us....but even those difficult last days are so precious to us now. Keep sharing your thoughts.
I so understand how painful this is, we have been going through a similar journey with our mom, she is at Tabor home now, thank you for sharing, we have learned so much on how to respond and how not to respond, the main thing is just to love them, hold their hand and listen, I still drive away crying after almost every visit,
praying for you and your family
Oh Anneliese - my heart hurts for you. This is the hardest thing to experience for both you and your dear mom. It's fascinating how the mind works and how she still wants to feed her loved ones. With my mom - who had the sweetest nature - it was hard to realize that she was experiencing paranoia and believed things were being stolen from her. I hope you have lots of support in this and can rest assured that you are doing all you can. Huge hugs ...
I thank you all for your loving responses, prayers, sharing about your own mom or friend's mom. Kathy, Millie, Joanne, Laura and Rosella. I'm amazed how many have walked this path with their mom. Thank you for sharing your moment of connection and laughter, Joanne - it's so good when you can laugh - and your memory of singing with my mom, Lovella. One day ... again! She will be in that choir!
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