On Raising a Good Loser

I recently read a good article by Andrew Postman on how to make losing a teachable moment. Having raised a very competitive boy ourselves, I read this with keen interest - even though it is in hindsight.
With the Olympics upon us, I thought it would be good for me to write down some of these thoughts that pertain to good sportsmanship. Watching these men and women who have worked so hard to get here, it is easy to forget that they too have failed many times and, even now, as they have achieved the ability to perform and compete with the best, we all know that not everyone can win gold. It is a hard reality that even a great Olympic athlete may go home feeling like he/she has failed.
Andrew Postman states, “We accept that success is just about impossible if you don’t know how to use your flops.” He refers to Thomas Edison’s staggering number of false starts before creating the light bulb that worked. Edison is quoted to have said, “I have succeeded in proving that those 700 ways will not work.”
This is a great attitude to have, but how do we help our kids learn from their failures? Especially when their successes and failures are so wrapped up in our own self esteem - sometimes so much so, that it matters more to us than to them. Being able to look back now, I can see that we as parents can do more harm than help, when we continually try to protect our children by either blaming their failures on someone else, trying to fix things for them or by taking it to the top, maybe even changing schools.

So, in short, what can parents do to help their child through the process of becoming a good sport? From my own experience, I now see that I would never have joined a sports team because I was afraid of failure. I was of the impression that when you do something, you have to do it perfectly. Parents need to give their children chances to fail and show them that their love for them does not depend on achievement.
As parents we also need to be a good example by showing how we can learn from our failures. I like the suggestion from psychologist, C. Dweck, Ph.D., to take a family dinner time to ask, “Who did something really hard today?” or “Who made a mistake they can learn from today?” Mom and Dad have to participate as well. Celebrating the fact that someone took on a challenge, or learned something is more important than easily winning something with no effort.

Our ultimate goal as parents, in teaching them how to be a good loser, may have more to do with life skills than we realize. We will not always be able to be there for them when a relationship fails, when they don’t succeed at a project or when they lose their job, but if we can teach them to ask the right questions, to look for what they can learn from a loss and do their best with what God has given them, then their elementary school failures may be used for good.