In the dark, the bedroom clock moves on to the third hour while my weary mind tries desperately to find that illusive sleep. Turning on my tear stained pillow, my inward being fights the nausea and the next wave of tears coming on, afraid of the tell tale signs the morning will surely bring. I'm angry about my tears and what they are doing to me, maybe even more so than about the announcement that is causing me this grief.
People ask how I feel about my kids moving back to Indonesia. How do they think I feel? Another nail pounded into the coffin of that perfect world with my loved ones around me.
It is a peculiar game now playing with my sadness, postponing acceptance by by my denial, anger and bargaining - trying to find a peg to hang my hat on. There are the moments I tell myself that I don't care. These do not last long but, to my chagrin, only serve to bring more tears. Then, there is a close follow up emotion of simply resigning myself to this life of long distance relationships, only to find that resignation is not good enough.
Could it be that God has something better for me? I know He does, but to be honest, I'm afraid of what it will cost. As the clock ticks on, I pray. Search me, O God, and know my heart. Try me and know my anxious thoughts and see if there be any wicked way in me and lead me in the way that is everlasting.
My sleep comes when I begin to thank Him and trust Him. I thank Him for these two bonus years I've had and what they have meant. I thank Him for good relationships and cousins getting to know each other. I thank Him for how He has made something beautiful of the future I feared ten years ago. If He has done so much already, can I not put my trust in Him to do the same again? Trusting in His sovereignty is a moment by moment choice, not easy, but the most rewarding in the end.
26 comments:
I admire your honesty Anneliese. You are holding nothing back and pretending nothing. This is what your heart is saying and yet in it all... you are seeking the Lord and being grateful and clinging to Him and trusting for the peace and strength that he promises in his word.
My only child with her family live far fom me....and my husband just recently died..I have had many sleepless nights..often times I am mad and wonder why...and then I think....thank God they are healthy and happy...I know there is a greater plan for me....just trying to get thru the storm....
And figure out where I am going to land...mt thoughts and. Prayers are with you.......
Thank you for sharing your heart with us....We don't ever know what the next step goes with the Lord, only that we take the step in faith...Trusting the Lord is the only way we can live as believers...
I will pray for you and your sweet family, Anneliese...
Love from NC
Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly - and for the promises from scripture. Be blessed dear friend!
Oh Anneliese, my heart aches with yours, but I also am so proud of the child you raised with a heart for serving the Lord. I'm praying with you...
Thinking of you, Anneliese, in your turmoil and grief. Your post matches my mood today. I'll send you an email later. Praying that you will feel peace about you as you work at accepting this new chapter.
Thank you, Anneliese. Your post reminds me of a Psalm, beginning with a struggle and ending with praise and thanksgiving. I have wrestled in the same way, as my grandchildren are far away too. Trusting God and thanking Him for His blessings is the best thing we can do!
Annaliese. I read your blog everyday as I feel a kind of kinship in the ways you express and view your home, your family and your faith. Thank you for being honest and transparent in your feelings. Sometimes as Christians we feel we need to put on a happy face and say that all is well - recently our pastor reminded us that it is okay to struggle and that it is inviting for others to see that we can hurt and that we can struggle and that our faith takes us through!
The pain...oh the pain!
I have live that very pain.
The acceptance will come, but the absence is tough.
Trust God because he does have something for you. You just have to keep looking!
As I started to read your post today I thought it was about not sleeping well, but quickly realized that it was not. Your sharing of tears and sadness are all very honest. I too have 5 grandchildren that live away so I understand on some level about your pain.
Isn't it amazing that "trusting" finally allowed you to get some sleep.
I don't even know you, but I will keep you in my thoughts that you have more peace as things move forward.
Audrey.
Oh Anneliese - I wish I could give you a huge hug right now! Your honesty is raw and deep. May trusting and thankfulness be like a salve to your heart. Praying for you and yours!
Oh Anneliese, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family, we will definately pray now knowing where they are going, and for the kids and grands knowing we are all part of your family. My heart aches for you as I too think of our children and grands being far away, some days you just need to receive a hug. So here it goes: "HUGSSSSS"!!!! Love Mary
I know exactly what you are going through Anneliese. I have similar thoughts,want to hang on to these precious years but all the while knowing that the long distance relationship will become a reality again soon. I guess we will eventually release them into God's care again.It will be tough sacrifice this time ,that's for sure. The other Gramma,Susan.
3So hard. Praying that God will wrap you in His peace throughout this transition.
As I read through your honest, heart felt words, I can't imagine how it hurts. In a very small way, I understand. You sure do have a beautiful way of expressing your thoughts, pain, and then your peace. I think everyone of us reading this post, have been where you are, in one way or another the last few years. I prayed for you tonight.
I'll be thinking of you Anneliese. I'll be thinking of your daughter.
Oh, Anneliese. Thank you for sharing your heart. I've mentioned before that these posts really touch my heart. For I was the one who left my parents for foreign lands. Yes, I missed them dreadfully, and cried many tears.
Now that my children are grown up, with darling grandchildren to love, I am amazed at the grace and freedom my parents (and Tim's) showed in letting us go. I'm sure there were many tears shed in the wee hours on their part, too.
It's not easy. It's hard, hard, hard. An ache that rarely goes away. Raw hurt. I'm teary-eyed just now thinking about it. Take comfort in the fact that God knows. God knows about separation, about love, about longing for connection.
I'll pray for you.
Anneliese,
I understand.
Debora
A former pastor always said that he would be thrilled if any of his children were called to the mission field. I understood what he meant, but I did wonder how his wife, their mother would feel. I know you are blessed and proud that your children are answering the call of God on their lives, but I also understand the sadness of separation.You are brave to be so transparent with us. I will be praying for you as you adjust (again!)to their departure.
Anneliese, I've met you but don't know you well personally, but through your writing. My heart feels heavy for you with this news. You are a woman of faith; may it be strong in you in this coming journey. Dairymary
Oh Anneliese - thank you for your words on "trusting God moment by moment" - even when you are sad and hurting, you offer such timely advice. I will pray for you and your family.
Helen
Your post has prompted my first step back into Blogdom since my return from China. I am so sorry for this hard time, but like others, I am grateful for your candour. I have been the adult child taking the grandchildren away and I have been the grandparent crying for my far-away grandchildren (who are now, blessedly, in Edmonton). You've said it all in your post - regarding purpose and plan and faith and trust, but the hurt remains, I know. I'm sending a hug and a promise of another grandmother's prayers.
Dear Anneliese ~ thank you for so bravely modelling the battle of faith for us. This is where the rubber hits the road and we've all been there. It is a battle and true surrender, rather than mere resignation, is never easy. God richly bless you - give you deep comfort - inexplicable peace - and surprise you with His endless goodness. Sending love and prayers. xo Kathie
Hugs my friend!! As I sit here in the living room of my faraway grands I can only say, amen, amen and amen! Thankful for the times together and trying not to think about saying goodbye yet again. And yet, you have had these two amazing years of memories and strong relationships! What a gift!
I would like to add, to my earlier comment: I look forward to seeing my only child, my daughter, for the first time in five years, in a few months. Even though she is an adult and there are no grandchildren, I have experienced those wakeful nights and tear stained pillows, to some extent, with added self-admonishment reflecting society's views that moms "shouldn't be so clingy", or other ideas sometimes directed to women, which in spite of myself, I seem to have absored. I try not to dwell on it. Sometimes I fail.
Dear Sharon, I am so happy to hear that you will be seeing your daughter soon. I want you to know that it is not a sign of weakness to miss her. It is love. I have seen you show your love by the sacrices you have made to give her your blessing in what she does. Always good to hear from you.
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